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fumbling

smiles+laughs+kisses=tears

Posted on 2005.04.07 at 01:52
Current Mood: lonely
love lost and gained.
love for an empty vessel.
the lust for the love of a new.

words pounded into my head and words that ive poured out of my mouth.

has it all been pointless?

ive ended back up in the same place i started only more fragile and even more exposed than ever.

ive lost and gained the love of those that i thought mattered and the ones that really do.
what is it that im really in denial about.
what is it that blinds me? the smiles? the laughs? the kisses? or is it just the possibility of feeling love for another the way i didnt think i could. am i even ready. am i more broken than i thought i was? i thought i had fixed myself. that ihad been shattered into a million peices but i thought the glue i used this time to put my pieces back together was stronger than the glue i used last time. its only proving me otherwise. i used wood glue for porcelain.
what is it im so desperate for?

i have been revisiting all my journals. and all the stories i told in each one. its been a year and a half since i told stories to this one. did i just leave a big gap in this story of my life. each journal i have is a different version of the same life. small stories for the big one. i wonder if theyd even fit together if i read them as one.

am i pushing away the person that holds me close at night because im afraid to be pushed away again?
when did i start to let myself get walked all over again?
it was the darkness. the eyes the hair the skin the way he told his stories, or maybe the way it felt when i would feel his skin brush against mine. do i lapse in judgement?
why cant i get over not trusting?
what happened?
was it the lies of past? the deceit from before?
am i really jealous?

fumbling
Posted on 2004.01.05 at 11:36
i can finally call the place that i live home.
im moving in with R

fumbling
Posted on 2003.12.22 at 19:18
i edited my lj-friends....if your off, it wasnt by accident

fumbling
Posted on 2003.10.25 at 13:38
so much has gone on in my life and all i really want to say is.
good lord strip clubs are nasty.

fumbling
Posted on 2003.10.21 at 14:25
ihave no internet. ive managed to steal some time on someones computer right now. im trying to set up dsl to my computer but its determined to not let me. call me. i miss everyone


fumbling

yay first legal tattoo

Posted on 2003.10.12 at 01:24
i went and got the jonah heart mark done behind my ear tonight. pictures soon...sleep...even sooner

mmmmmmm sleeeeep

fumbling
Posted on 2003.08.16 at 03:22
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: damien rice
so the past 2 days...fun fun fun
firday was realyl really hell-ish at work. slow and over staffed i got to go home 30 min early then got ready and headed down town. went to true love and had some lasagna and a really bad caramel latte...bleh...im getting picky about my coffee..what a terrible thing.
then meandered my way to jamba juice and then to go see skip and eric play. and didnt know anyone but everyone was so nice and i wished i could have been in on half the things said..or know what was going on..or even be somewhat interesting..but it was definelty fun. and allt he sets were good.
it was great when skip played skid row for me. my heart skipped a beat. so good..im all about the skid row. it was nice actually talking to erik. im always way too intimidated around him when theres other people around. afterwards skip gave me a ride home and then i passed out and as soon as i woke up out the door again. jessica and i went to hamburger marys and then went shopping at several boutiques went and saw uptown girls went shopping for more. found an originally 120 dollar dress for (get this) 18 bucks!!!cutest thing ever.
after shopping came home. got dressed and headed toa party. apparently it was nikaras birhtday party. how random. i havnt seen that girl in forever and the time i do its when i was strangly invited to her party.hung out with justing whenever he was there...*sigh* taht boy is so good looking. then tom showed up as well and us three had some nice conversation going...it was great. the whole speeding in the rain/big deal group was there and all felt they had known me before i was re-introduced. and as soon as the fact that i made them cock socks was brought up....they remembered exactly who i was. and they all made me feel so warm and tingly inside.other than the talking to the big deal boys...(tom was so cute btw) the party was really lame...meh. whatever....i was just happy to be out of the house..but i work tomorrow 7-3..and as you can see....its like 3:15.....fuck damn shit. that sucks.
but im really happy right now. im so excited about my trip out east in the fall and going to the state fair. and great america next week and what else. jessicas birthday coming up. my birthday soon. then ill be on my m onth long vacation seeing tom and dave and jay. so nice...
oh yea..yesterday i bought 15 pair of underwear..how cool is that?!
well anyways
i need to sleep
badly
cheers

Closest 50 non-Friends for geekielove:
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fumbling

maybe i make you feel like shit..because thats what you do to me

Posted on 2003.07.23 at 21:46
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Damien Rice - I Remember
i seriously feel like shit right now. im sick. my body has given up on me. and my self esteem has pummeled into the floor. its seems when one of your best friends ignores you. and when they do talk to you they call you a bitch. or make you feel like your the one doing stuff wrong. well fuck that. ive tried...sooo so hard. i see your name and i feel so bitter. i dont know how its possible to love someone so much and hate them all at the same time. i dont care if you read this i could make it so you couldnt but i feel ive tried so many times to say this to you i dont feel capable of doing it. its not real hate. its bitterness to the extreme. how are we supposed to be friends if you dont share ANY of your life with me. ive felt like shit for a month because of you. i cry. i tell you i dont feel good and all you give is a consoling word and then continue with the not talking. no attempt to even say anything to cheer me up. i dont know what is in store for our future. our friendship. but if i continue to feel like shit because of you....i cant handle it anymore. i have had TOO hard of a life. i have over come to many things to let this drag me down. it would be the saddest thing i will everhave to do is let you go. but if your not willing to open up with me anymore. i dont see what else can be done.

fumbling
Posted on 2003.07.17 at 13:14
Current Mood: cranky
Current Music: HIM-soul on fire
i work 2-10 today. anyone and everyone really should come by so that way i dont kill myself

dave and i are doing terrible...i dont know whats up. i dont know if we'll be able to fix the friendship.

spendin lots of time with cory. no complaints.

i wish i had a car so i didnt have to walk to work.

fumbling

oh my...

Posted on 2003.05.23 at 01:14
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: VAST - Flames


i love veronica for making this...
shortly after her and i traded naked boy pictures..we laughed. we cried. and then all was well in the world again.


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